On Social Intelligence

Being a faculty at a College like the Walton College is a privilege. I get an opportunity to work with a variety of individuals, the young and the not so young, those with extremely high ambitions and those with some amazing skills. Over the years I have had a chance to work with some amazing students many of whom have gone on to do wonderful things. Yet, in a few instances there has been pain…when someone with extraordinary skills and ability and fantastic work ethic failed to reach the levels that those skills should have led them to. I remembered an occasion from a while ago when one such person had stopped by – as a student he had been incredibly bright, was an excellent problem solver with an amazing intellect. Yet, he had lost his second job in four years, made it to several rounds of interviews that, for inexplicable reasons, did not lead to a job. Even while he held jobs, he had been passed over for coveted assignments. A few weeks ago, when reading Robert Green’s excellent book, “Mastery” I had been reminded of him and focused the blog this week on: “Social Intelligence”.

I had admired the above individual, but even when he was excelling as a student, I had wondered whether he would struggle because of his social skills. I’ve talked about Green’s book before: It talks about what leads individuals to become true masters of their professions – examining the profiles of individuals such as Mozart, Carl Jung, Michael Faraday and dozens of others to assess actions and choices that took these individuals into the realm of mastery. He devotes a full chapter to Social Intelligence – something that I believe is essential to a manager or a business person’s success. I build on what he notes in the chapter, what I’ve read elsewhere and some of my own experiences and observations on this issue. And truth be told, this is probably one aspect of my own skill sets that I have had to work on the most (and continue to do so).

There are some general aspects of social intelligence that should be fundamentally ingrained in all of us and yet we often disregard them. This aspect has received tremendous attention in recent years (Emotional intelligence for instance) and there is no way that they could all be listed and described in a single blog post. Yet, I do want to focus on three, two that are partly sparked by Green’s chapter (Picking your battles and letting go), and one that builds directly on something that Green describes in considerable detail (reading people).

Picking your Battles: Hearing descriptions of situations my former students have faced, as well as personal observations, it seems that some of the brightest individuals hate to lose an argument. And if you are sharp and experienced at arguing, marshalling thoughts and winning arguments is that much easier — this may seem an advantage but it has significant downsides. After all if we are brilliant in making logical arguments and winning those battles we develop a reputation for it. But every battle we win is one more co-worker’s ego bruised, one more individual who would be unwilling to challenge us when we are embarking on an unwise decision (our reputation for arguing successfully will be a huge deterrent) and perhaps one more individual secretly waiting to rejoice when we make a mistake. And sometimes we incur these costs while pushing an alternative that is only marginally superior (if that) to a competing one. It may be worth our while, in certain decision situations, to let others ‘win’ and to do it graciously. I’ve seen it build allies and lay the foundation for a future victory on an issue that may be much more critical. Crucially, every time a boss ‘loses’ an argument, the co-workers and her direct reports know that they have a voice, their opinion matters and are likely to speak up at critical moments.

Letting Go: So, you lost an argument even though you thought you were right? That’s going to happen to all of us…multiple times every year. How long are you going to sulk about it? Are you constantly going to find fault with the winning alternative (or person whose alternative was selected)? Speak bitterly to coworkers about the injustice done to us? As I look back on some of the more successful people I’ve met, they are the ones who can let go after losing pitched battles…who can get up, support the alternative that was selected and be a good team player. And almost always, this attitude is appreciated and many times converts adversaries into allies.

In his book, Green categorizes social intelligence into two: specific knowledge that relates to our ability to read people and general knowledge about common attributes of human behavior. I am focusing on the ability to read others — the ability to know why people are doing what they do, when they are uncomfortable with a situation, and when they are likely to change their mind. Two outstanding mangers that I have worked with are excellent at this. During a meeting, when a decision is made, they quickly go beyond the verbal assents – specifically going up to people and quietly checking in — “you said yes but you didn’t look very happy”. And sometimes the quiet conversations that followed led to critical rethinks of decisions. Reading people is critical because at the end of the day, in a complex decision making situation it is never about getting your own way, but about  making the right choice – and many managers forget this critical difference (or arrogantly assume that their way is the best).

And how does one get to read people better? Part of it probably comes naturally. Psychologists have pointed out that there are those who are naturally more empathetic than others. That they will be more likely to understand how another person is feeling. True, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t develop our ability to improve on this attribute. In reality most of us engage in projection – assuming that the way we feel and the goals we aspire to are what the others also feel – that if we feel good about something so do others. Some of my favorite visuals over the years are the expressions on individuals faces when they belatedly realized that their assumptions about the behaviors and motives of others had been fundamentally flawed.  Learning to read people is likely an ongoing process that probably begins with focusing on the other. Perhaps in our day to day conversations. Ask yourself, are you using most conversations with people to share what you know? Or to share what you have done? Or how you feel? How much of the conversation was focused on learning what the other person does and feel? Do you think about this from their perspective? Assuming we do this with genuine interest (and not ‘tune out’ when others talk about things that are important to them) we get some baseline ideas on other’s thought processes.

Were we to combine the above efforts with observation and reflection, I suspect we will begin to sow the seeds of learning to read others better. A long time ago I remember working with an individual who would enthusiastically agree with everything I said — I remember feeling very supported. And yet over a period of time, I noticed that this individual never really did most of the things she had professed to support… (“oops I forgot”, or “Well, I was trying to do this but discovered there was a huge issue and wanted to discuss with you first”…).  Puzzled I started paying more attention to the individuals’ behavior and realized that that was a modus operandi with everyone she worked with. Enthusiastic verbal support to everything proposed by others but action only when the individual really wanted to do something (which wasn’t often). It was a great lesson and even more illuminating was the fact that that she was seen as a fantastic team player and one of the first individuals whose advice and cooperation was always sought in new projects – just another consequence of our focusing on what people say rather than what they do.  Clearly paying heed to what people say and feel, and comparing it with their actions is probably one of the key endeavors in our ability to read people better.